Do I hate myself?

I wonder if my self-destructive urge is just stronger than my will to live.  My present self likes the simple pleasures I have.  An IPA when I wish, a rolled cigarette or a cigar; a bottle of wine.  Yesterday I made Beef Burgundy.  I indulged in cheesecake.  I almost never do the latter, as I remain convinced sugar is a toxin.

So I invented “thin padreoldstone.”  What does Thin Padre Oldstone do?  I think he’s a little chubby.

But two kettlebells arrived – a 35 and 53 pounder; as well as a Rogue barbell.  They seemed heavier than usual, and I didn’t workout today.

I was reading some advice about dating.  It was clear:  take are as much as you can about your appearance and health.  That’s fundamental.  If it were my full time job, I think I could do it.

And then I realize, it is a full time job.  It’s work.  But the employer is me, and my life; my future self, who seems to have a very light touch, but will not forgive me if I don’t do my job well.  Now.


If the secret to weight loss is keeping a diary, then it’s obvious why I’ve not been successful.  I’ve not been able to blog, and even though I have a myfitnesspal and fitocracy profile I am irregular in studying myself.  I am often negligent, especially when it gets late.

But all was not lost.  I was disciplined with the gym.  I got stronger for a while.  I had hit a 250 bench press, a set of five deadlifts at 305, a set of four military presses at 140, and five squats at 295.   I felt a tinge in my shoulder and decided to take a break.

As far as my eating habits?  I’m just not working.  I don’t try to use up my will power.  but neither have I been trying to stretch it.  Granted, I don’t eat cake or buy candy bars anymore (although I the occasional dark chocolate fair trade bar I might sometimes consume). 

A friend of mine seems quite healthy.  I asked him his secret:  portion control.   And I’ve seen the thin people in my parish – they say “no.”  They don’t like the feeling of being full.  But if I make 10 skinless chicken thighs in a tandoori sauce, I might eat eight of them.  In a row.  It’s better than eating an entire cake.  And then I finish a bag of jalapeno potato chips.

On the plus side, I now have a standing desk.  Actually, it’s a $7 Ikea table on my writing desk.  As I have a lap top, its a little uncomfortable for my arms, but I’m positively fidgeting.  I’m not sure if I have more energy or not; nor have I lost any weight.   But I just started less than a month ago.   

I’ve not created new habits to remove me from the old ones.  There’s a saloon and an Indian Restaurant I frequent.  Both places have the charms of familiarity and are central reward centers.  My habits of eating and drinking become part of an overall feeling of peace and love, even though they distract me from my goal of looking good naked. 

I wonder if part of my spiritual growth is learning to let myself be “alone” without the temptations of the internet, food, and drink – the normal rewards of coming home late at night.  Why not just a cup of tea and a book, or time to write?  Why not let myself be lonely?  it would be a temporary wilderness until I found the right person.

And I sometimes think it is my belly that protects me from the challenges of being with another person.  My lack of health allows me to avoid being in a relationship.  It keepds me comfortable. 

So I’m at 185.5 right now.  Goal 152. 

I don’t need to drink this evening.  I can wait until Thursday.   I don’t need any carbs.  I’ve got plenty of healthy food in the refrigerator. 

I can do this. 

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The Rule

September 12, 2012 1 comment

Here’s The Rule.

Intermittent fasting twice a week.  Ideally one 36 hour fast and one 16 hour one.  Both will be post work-out.


One Tabata exercise per week.

Walk (or run) 4x a week (not cardio.  Just movement)

Lift heavy

No sugar or wheat

Beer only after a Personal Record

Goal – still 150 lbs

Anyway – today dead lifts 5×115; 5x 145; 3x 170, 5x 215, 3x 245, 4×270

Romanian DL 10 x 135

Dumb Bell Row 15 x 25, 3 x 15 x 20

Pull ups 4 x 1; assisted pull and chinups

Back Extensions 4 x 15

Romanian leg lifts 4 x 20sec

Now to bed.

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Bench. Stronger.

I went to do military press but the rack was taken.  I did bench.

5×90; 5x 115; 3 x 135; 5×150; 5×150; 5×170; 10x 195

Dumbbell bench 10 x 25; 3 x 10 x 30

Dips 4 x 10

Dumbbell fly 10×20; 3 x 10 x 25 ea

Tri pull down 4 x 10 x 30.

Went to bed by 12am last night.  By 11:30 this evening.  A paleo dinner.  Lots of protein today. 

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Friday Workout

Squats.  I am continuing with the 5/3/1 program – focusing on one major muscle group each day.  Friday is squats.

My routine is like so.  Start off with overhead squats, adding some weights, doing sets of three.  My goal here is mainly to get my glutes, lower back and calves working and my shoulder stretched.  Since I’m not that flexible I don’t go down that far. 

I then do a 3×3 front squats, at a low weight to stretch my forearms.

I warmed up with 5×105, 5×130, 3×160 back squats

My work sets 5×170, 5×200, 8×225. 

I then did three sets of hack squats so that I begin to have some muscle memory and confidence with heavier weights.  3×275, 3×295, 3×325.  My chest, abs and back were immediately more engaged. 

Finishing:  Leg Press (Machine) 12×130, 15 x150, 15 x 130, 15 x 110, 15 x 90.

Leg lifts 5×10. 

Still feeling it.

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No Workout Today

No workout today.  I was a little sad.

The fundamental sadness was being without a partner.  My church decided to purchase a dishwasher for the rectory but they did not consult me.  It’s a first world problem, but one that made me wonder how they thought of me.

I also saw an article about how older men had a greater risk of having autistic children. 

And then I also saw an article about the Cardinal blessing the Republican Convention.  I got over that. 

Today I ate well.  Mainly protein and some wine.  Was cornered by a particularly voluble parishioner who talks in parentheses. 

So tonight my goal – just get to bed.

so I can do squats tomorrow.


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I did my first 5/3/1 routine today.  I got to a set of 12 at 180, which apparently makes my 1 rep max a 250.  Makes sense.  The last set is supposed to be as many as possible.  I think I can get to 315 by the end of the year.

Had one meal, two beers.

Workout after the warmup:

Bench Barbell Press 5x 85; 5x 110; 3 x 130; 5x 140; 5 x 160; 12 x 180.

Dumb bell press:  15 x 15; 20 x 15; 25 x 15; 30 x 15.

Overhead chest pull over 15 x 35

Row: 15 x 55; 4 x 15 x 70

A good workout.   Tomorrow:  the rule.


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