Do I hate myself?

I wonder if my self-destructive urge is just stronger than my will to live.  My present self likes the simple pleasures I have.  An IPA when I wish, a rolled cigarette or a cigar; a bottle of wine.  Yesterday I made Beef Burgundy.  I indulged in cheesecake.  I almost never do the latter, as I remain convinced sugar is a toxin.

So I invented “thin padreoldstone.”  What does Thin Padre Oldstone do?  I think he’s a little chubby.

But two kettlebells arrived – a 35 and 53 pounder; as well as a Rogue barbell.  They seemed heavier than usual, and I didn’t workout today.

I was reading some advice about dating.  It was clear:  take are as much as you can about your appearance and health.  That’s fundamental.  If it were my full time job, I think I could do it.

And then I realize, it is a full time job.  It’s work.  But the employer is me, and my life; my future self, who seems to have a very light touch, but will not forgive me if I don’t do my job well.  Now.

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Rebeginning

If the secret to weight loss is keeping a diary, then it’s obvious why I’ve not been successful.  I’ve not been able to blog, and even though I have a myfitnesspal and fitocracy profile I am irregular in studying myself.  I am often negligent, especially when it gets late.

But all was not lost.  I was disciplined with the gym.  I got stronger for a while.  I had hit a 250 bench press, a set of five deadlifts at 305, a set of four military presses at 140, and five squats at 295.   I felt a tinge in my shoulder and decided to take a break.

As far as my eating habits?  I’m just not working.  I don’t try to use up my will power.  but neither have I been trying to stretch it.  Granted, I don’t eat cake or buy candy bars anymore (although I the occasional dark chocolate fair trade bar I might sometimes consume). 

A friend of mine seems quite healthy.  I asked him his secret:  portion control.   And I’ve seen the thin people in my parish – they say “no.”  They don’t like the feeling of being full.  But if I make 10 skinless chicken thighs in a tandoori sauce, I might eat eight of them.  In a row.  It’s better than eating an entire cake.  And then I finish a bag of jalapeno potato chips.

On the plus side, I now have a standing desk.  Actually, it’s a $7 Ikea table on my writing desk.  As I have a lap top, its a little uncomfortable for my arms, but I’m positively fidgeting.  I’m not sure if I have more energy or not; nor have I lost any weight.   But I just started less than a month ago.   

I’ve not created new habits to remove me from the old ones.  There’s a saloon and an Indian Restaurant I frequent.  Both places have the charms of familiarity and are central reward centers.  My habits of eating and drinking become part of an overall feeling of peace and love, even though they distract me from my goal of looking good naked. 

I wonder if part of my spiritual growth is learning to let myself be “alone” without the temptations of the internet, food, and drink – the normal rewards of coming home late at night.  Why not just a cup of tea and a book, or time to write?  Why not let myself be lonely?  it would be a temporary wilderness until I found the right person.

And I sometimes think it is my belly that protects me from the challenges of being with another person.  My lack of health allows me to avoid being in a relationship.  It keepds me comfortable. 

So I’m at 185.5 right now.  Goal 152. 

I don’t need to drink this evening.  I can wait until Thursday.   I don’t need any carbs.  I’ve got plenty of healthy food in the refrigerator. 

I can do this.